Jewish Life Cycles
Judaism pervades every aspect of one's life. Family is of the utmost importance in Jewish faith and culture. Jewish beliefs and rituals begin with the birth of a child which is manifested by the naming of the baby, circumcision, and the redemption of the firstborn. The manifestation of Judaism continues with the teaching of the children and the taking on of the mitzvot by the child. Learning is a continuing process for all Jews and continues throughout the life cycle processes of engagement and marriage and finally death and mourning.

Jewish life cycle events of childhood
The birth of a child is celebrated with rituals and celebrations welcoming him/her into the family of Israel. According to the Talmud, Masechet Gittin 57a, it was a custom in Betar, a city in ancient Israel, to plant a cedar tree when a boy was born and a pine tree when a girl was born. When they grew up and were to be married, the trees were cut down and used to build the chuppah.

The birth of a child is a celebration of performing a mitzvot as well as passing on the names of ancestors. The most popular choice is Biblical names although the most common tradition is to name a child after a desceased relative. After the birth of a girl it is the father's obligation to go to the synagogue as soon after the birth as possible. He must go on a day when Torah is read (Monday, Thursday, or Shabbat) in order to name his daughter. The father will be honored with an aliyah. After the Parsha is read, the Mi She'Berach is recited and the daughter is named. After the service a toast to l'chayim (to life) is given. It is customary for the parents to invite family and friends to the synagogue or their home for Kiddush the Shabbat after their daughter's birth.

The birth of a son is followed by different rituals than those that follow the birth of a daughter. On Erev Shabbat (Friday evening) immediately following the son's birth, family and friends gather after the Shabbat meal at the parent's home. This gathering (Shalom Zachor) honors the newborn and expresses gratitude to G-d for his safe birth. If the child is present, the Shema is recited and good wishes for the recovery of the mother and well-being of the son are offered. The son will not be named until the Brit Milah (Covenant of Circumcision). The brit must be performed on the eighth day after the child's birth. It can be performed on any day - even on Shabbat or Yom Kippur. The brit is always held in the daytime, preferably in the morning in the presence of a minyan. It is the obligation of the father to either circumcise his son or to appoint a qualified mohel to perform the ritual. In addition to the main participants (child, father, mohel) there are two other important participants. The sandek (godfather) is a grandfather or other close relative or friend who has the honor of holding the child during the brit. The kvater is the person who brings the infant from the child's mother to the sandek. The invisible participant who attends every brit is the Prophet Elijah. A special chair is set aside for Elijah to protect the child curing the brit and for three days afterwards. After the circumcision is completed Kiddush is recited and the child's name is given a prayer is recited. A small amount of wine is then placed on the mouth of the child and various other blessings are recited.

When the first-born son (of a mother) is thirty-one days old he goes through the Pidyon HaBen (Redemption of the First-Born Son). After the incident with the Golden Calf (Exodus 32) the Levites took upon themselves the function of assisting the Kohanim (priests). Ever since then the first-born son of an Israelite must be redeemed for the sum of five shekalim. During the Ceremony of Redemption the son is dressed in special clothes. The father presents the child to the Kohen, who oversees the ceremony, along with five silver coins. (The coins can be given back to the father or given to charity depending upon what the Kohen decides) After the father gives the money to the Kohen, the Kohen says Kiddush and drinks the wine. The Kohen then holds the coins over the child's head and exchanges the child for the money and blesses the child.

Both parents are obligated to not only care for a child's physical needs, they must provide emotional support, moral guidelines, and educational opportunities to prepare their child to live in the world. Both parents are obligated to teach their children. However, in most homes it is the mother who is the children's first teacher. After all, when the Torah was given at Mount Sinai it was given to the women first so they would transmit it to their children. As soon as the child can speak it is the obligation of the father, specifically, and the mother generally, to begin teaching the child Torah. By teaching the child Torah it will lead him/her to perform mitzvot. As soon as the child is old enough, the parents must provide him/her with teachers.

At the age of thirteen-years and one-day a boy becomes a bar mitzvah, a son of the mitzvot. He becomes entitled to all the rights and privileges of being a bar mitzvah. On the day after his thirteenth birthday (according to the Jewish calendar) he attends the Shacharit service with his father and puts on tefillin for the first time. On the first Shabbat after his thirteenth birthday he is called to aliyah for the first time. This aliyah is usually of Maftir which includes the reading of the haftarah. After this aliyah, the father is called to the bimah where he confers responsibility for his son's observance from himself to his son. Depending upon the synagogue's rituals and the bar mitzvah's education, the bar mitzvah may also chant all or parts of the Shabbat service, read the Torah portion, and offer a d'var Torah. After the service the parents host Kiddush for the entire congregation. Separate celebrations may also be hosted after Shabbat.

At the age of twelve-years and one-day (according to the Jewish calendar) a girl becomes a bat mitzvah, a daughter of the mitzvot. On that day she takes on all the rights, privileges, and accountability of being a bat mitzvah. In traditional (Orthodox) Judaism there is no correspondent synagogue celebration for a bat mitzvah. (In Conservative and Reform synagogues bat mitzvahs are celebrated in the same way as bar mitzvahs) However, it is appropriate to have a celebration on this day which may include a d'var Torah presented by the bat mitzvah.

Jewish confirmation was begun by the Reform Judaism and also adopted by Conservative Judaism. The idea of a confirmation at age 16 or 18, was a rejection of the idea that a person becomes an adult at age 12 or 13 by Reform Judaism. However, due to the popularit of the bar/bat mitzvah, Reform Judaism once again adopted the practice of bar/bat mitzvah. In some Conservative synagogue, confirmation is still performed in addition to a bar/bat mitzvah in order to keep a Jewish teenager involved in Judaism for a longer period of time.

Jewish life cycle events of engagement, marriage, and divorce
It has become a tradition to hold a festivity known as a vort soon after the couple announces their engagement. This vort is attended by family and friends and serves as a formal announcement of the families' intentions of wedding their children to one another. Someone is asked to say a d'var Torah on behalf of the bride and groom and their families. It is customary for the groom to give his bride a gift (usually an engagement ring). The bride traditionally gives her groom a tallit and kittel. The bride and groom may also give each other watches. It is also customary in some Jewish communities for the bride's father to give the groom a shas (Talmud).

Marriage is a legal contract, according to halachah, that is willingly entered into by both bride and groom. The wedding ceremony takes place under a chuppah. A few days before the ceremony, the bride immerses in the mikveh thereby entering married life in a holy state. On the Sabbath before her wedding the custom of Shabbat Kallah (Bride's Sabbath) takes place. During this celebration the bride will spend time with her friends. On the wedding day, the bride recites the Confessional Prayer from the Day of Atonement. In addition, she fasts until after the ceremony. On the Sabbath before the wedding an aufruf takes place in the synagogue. This is a time when the groom (in Conservative and Reform this also includes the bride) is honored with an aliyah. After his recitation of the aliyah it is customary to throw candies and nuts at the groom. Like the bride, the groom also fasts until after the wedding ceremony. At Minchah he also recites the Confessional Prayer from the Day of Atonement. Just prior to the wedding, a celebration called the Kabbalat Panim takes place. The chatan (groom) is surrounded by his male guests where it is customary at this time for the groom to give a Talmudic discourse. The groom is then escorted to his bride where he performs the custom of veiling the bride (badekin). This custom also involves those assembled to recite the blessings give to Rebecca by her mother and brother. It is also a tradition for the groom's father to bless him and the bride's father to bless her with the Priestly Blessing before the ceremony.

There are two parts to the Jewish wedding ceremony, betrothal (Erusin/Kiddushin) and marriage (Nisu'in). The wedding procession begins with the arrival of the rabbi (m'sader kiddushin) and continues as the groom's attendants walk to the chuppah. His parents escort the groom to the chuppah where he is greeted by the chazzan. The parents assists the groom with putting on his kittel and he awaits his bride. The bride's attendants then proceed to the chuppah. After which the bride's parents escorts her to the chuppah where she is greeted by the chazzan. She then walks under the chuppah and circles the groom (Jeremiah 31:21). The betrothal begins with the rabbi reciting the two Blessings of Betrothal and the drinking of wine by the bride and groom from the same cup. Then the groom places a plain ring on his bride's right index finger after he recites the Declaration of Betrothal. After the ring is given, the couple is betrothed and Erusin is concluded. Nisu'in begins with the reading of the ketubah that is written in Aramaic by a sofer (scribe). The ketubah details the husband's obligations to his wife - including financial compensation to the wife if the marriage ends in divorce or death. After the ketubah is read it is presented to the groom who presents it to the bride. Next, a second cup of wine is poured and the Sheva Berachot (Seven Benedictions) are recited. After the Benedictions are recited the bride and groom sip from this second cup of wine. As the ceremony comes to an end, the groom smashes a glass under his right foot. This ritual symbolizes that the joy of his marriage cannot be complete until the Holy Temple is rebuilt. Following the ceremony, the bride and groom are taken into a room for privacy (yichud) to be completely alone for the first time as husband and wife. They break their fast by eating food that has been prepared for them. Afterwards they join their family and friends for a wedding feast that ends with the Grace After Meals and the Sheva Berachot.

A divorce may only be initiated by the husband according to Jewish Law. Divorce is not to be taken lightly and is something that hurts the couple and well as the Jewish community. A husband may divorce his wife for any reason with the following exceptions: (1) if he has not falsely accused her of having premarital sex after their betrothal; (2) he has not been forced to marry her originally because he had raped her prior to the marriage; and/or (3) she is insane or else so mentally incompetent that she cannot care for herself. These rules are meant to protect the wife. In order to divorce his wife, the husband must first give his wife a bill of divorcement, known as a get, and present it to her before sending her from his home (i.e., divorcing her) and give her some type of alimony settlement as outlined in the ketubah. Although a husband initiates a divorce, it is only acceptable if his wife accepts it. If a wife does not accept a divorce, her husband is forbidden from divorcing her, unless there exists mitigating circumstances in which a bet din forces a wife to divorce her husband. A wife's unwillingness to accept a divorce is about the only power that a woman really has in Jewish divorce proceedings, since she cannot initiate divorce proceedings. Under some circumstances, the bet din and/or members of the Jewish community can apply pressure to a man to divorce his wife if the wife wishes a divorce. A civil divorce only is not acceptable under Jewish Law. There must also be a get given to the wife and she must accept the get in order to free both parties from the marriage and allow each party to remarry. In the Reform and Conservative movements, there is now a move to have an agreement written into the ketubah (Lieberman Clause) regarding any possible future divorce.

Jewish life cycle events of death and mourning
It is the duty of the community to assist in preparing the body of the Jewish deceased for burial. Familial mourners fall into seven categories: mother, father, spouse, sister, brother, son, and daughter. These mourners are called onen between notification of the family member's death through the burial and have specific restrictions regarding the performance of certain mitzvot. After the funeral each mourner is called an avel. Upon hearing of the death of a parent, a child rends his/her garments on the left side and all other mourners rend their garments on the right side. Throughout all the rituals dealing with the dead, the body of the deceased must be treated with honor and reverence. An autopsy is forbidden except under unique circumstances. Embalming and cremation are also forbidden. The Chevrah Kadisha (Holy Society) is responsible for carrying out the rituals of preparing the body for burial as well as assisting the family with funeral preparations. The body is washed, cleansed, and dressed in white burial shrouds (tachrichin). It is traditional to place the body directly into the ground but where law states that a coffin must be used, it is permissible to use a simple, unadorned wooden box. From the time of death until the preparation of the body (taharah) and from the preparation until the funeral a shomer stays with the deceased reciting Tehillim (Psalms) as a sign of respect.

The Jewish funeral service (halvayat hamet) should take place as soon as possible after the individual's death. Tradition does not allow for mourners or those in attendance to wear black nor is there a "viewing" of the deceased. The funeral service begins with the recitation of various Psalms and is followed by eulogies. After the funeral service the mourners, and those in attendance, proceed to the cemetery for the funeral. During the procession, those who carry the casket stop seven times. At each pause, a word from Psalm 91 (in Hebrew) is stated until at the seventh pause, the entire seven words of the Psalm are recited. After the body/coffin is lowered into the ground it is covered completely with dirt and the prayers Tziduk HaDin and El Malei Rachamim are said. If a minyan is present, there is a burial Kaddish (mourner's prayer) after which those in attendance from two lines and the mourners pass between them. Either upon leaving the graveyard or outside the home of a mourner, those in attendance wash their hands. The mourners return home and partake of the Meal of Condolence (se'udat havra'ah) and the mitzvot restrictions are lifted.

The mourning process has five stages. The first stage, the period of the onen, is the period between the death notification and the funeral. The mourners are restricted from certain activities and from performing certain mitzvot. The second stage, the period of the avel, is the first three days after the funeral. This is an intense period of grief. The third stage is the seven-day (including the period of the avel) period of shivah. The fourth stage, sh'loshin, occurs during the first thirty days after the funeral. The final stage, yahrtzeit, is the observance of the first year anniversary after the death with which time an upright stone (matzevah) must be erected at the gravesite.

Return to Top

I Do: Intermarriage and Jewish Survival
By Jennifer Abbott
(As published in the June, 2006 Jewish Magazine)

There have been many recent articles, including articles in the United Synagogue Review, and Women's League Outlook, discussing the problem of intermarriage between Jews and non-Jews. The primary topic of these articles is the difficulties and achievements of bringing the Jew back to Judaism, ensuring comfort for the non-Jew, and raising the children in a Jewish home. There is however, another side to this issue – preventing intermarriage.

Torah explicitly forbids intermarriage (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). Socializing with non-Jews is frowned upon as shown by the prohibition of drinking the wine of the non-Jews (Talmud: Avodah Zarah 36b) and eating bread made by the non-Jews (Code of Jewish Law: "Yoreh De'ah" 112). Clearly, halachah forbids intermarriage and further states that the children of such marriages will be lost to Judaism.

The2000 National Jewish Population Survey (NJPS) performed by the Council of Jewish Federations found that only 33% of the children of intermarriage today are being raised Jewish as compared to 96% of households with two Jewish parents. The majority of converts out of Judaism are children of intermarriage. Dennis Prager and Rabbi Joseph Telushkin note, in The Nine Questions People Ask About Judaism, that if the non-Jewish spouse truly shares the same values as the Jewish spouse, then the non-Jew is welcome to convert to Judaism, and if the non-Jew does not share the same values, then the couple should not be marrying in the first place. While this would be an accurate view if the Jew has a connection to Judaism and has the "same values" as Judaism, what about those Jews who do not have a connection to Judaism - or a tenuous one at best?

Simply stating that Jewish Law says that a Jew must not marry a non-Jew will not suffice. Telling a Jew that intermarriage will bring about the downfall of the Jews will not suffice. Telling a Jew that past generations have died in order to help Judaism survive will not suffice. Marriage is a very personal decision and one that is not always approached in a logical, systematic way. Why should a Jew who lives in a home that, for all intents and purposes, is just like the non-Jewish neighbot's home, marry a Jew? If a bar or bat mitzvah means a quick Trope learning, one day in a shul, and a big party, why should a Jew marry a Jew? If a Jew is exposed to mostly non-Jews and the non-Jewish way of life, why should a Jew marry a Jew?

In order to encourage Jews to marry Jews, it is important to instill a solid background in Judaism and Jewish identity. Being a Jew is something to be proud of and this needs to be passed on to the Jewish youth. If we want to help ensure that Jews marry Jews the idea that we are not exactly like our non-Jewish neighbors need to be instilled in our youth. Keeping a Jewish home – a home that keeps kosher, has mezuzot on the doorposts and has a well-used Chumash (Jewish Bible) – lets everyone know that the people who live in the home are not exactly like their non-Jewish neighbors.

Judaism and Jewish life are linked to the family. Indeed, the home is considered a miniature sanctuary. It is within the family setting that the Jew celebrates most of Jewish living. Thus, rabbinic leadership throughout the generations established clear laws and customs to foster marriage and preserve the integrity of the Jewish family. Quoted from: Employing an Intermarried Jew: A Responsum from the Conservative Movement's Committee on Jewish Law and Standards

A Jewish education is important to both youth and adults alike. Ensuring that the Jewish youth are educated from a very young age is important not only for the bar/bat mitzvah but also for the youth's lifelong journey in Judaism. A Jew becomes responsible for the mitzvot at the bar/bat mitzvah age. This is a serious time in a youth's life and one that needs to be cared about accordingly.

"The best methodology to prevent intermarriage is to provide the most solid types of all-around educational experiences that will motivate a person to live and identify Jewishly," says Jules Gutin, director of the Department of Youth Activities for United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism, quoted from "Mixed Families, Jewish Choices" on www.myjewishlearning.com.

The Jewish community is vital to every Jew. Rejoicing, learning, and grieving with a community are important for all. Youth who are exposed to a Jewish community – including synagogue, school, camp, fairs, and plays – have a greater vestment in the Jewish community and are more likely to date and marry another Jew.

"If we never take a child to see a Jewish play or go to a Jewish fair they will never have any idea of what is important to us," says Karen Kushner, a San Francisco social worker who has run interfaith workshops for over 20 years, quoted from "Mixed Families, Jewish Choices" on www.myjewishlearning.com.

Intermarriage is a fact of life in today's world. The rate of intermarriage is increasing which is detrimental to the Jewish world. Encouraging the youth of today to marry another Jew is important for the future of Judaism. Prevention is the key to not losing more Jews to intermarriage and not losing future generations to Judaism.

Jennifer Abbott is a member of a Conservative congregation in the United States and author of www.becomingjewish.org

© Jennifer Abbott and Jewish Magazine 2007-2008

Return to Top

The Role of Culture and Ethnicity in Judaism
By Rachel-Esther bat-Avraham

The pursuit of knowledge for its own sake, an almost fanatical love of justice, and the desire for personal independence - these are the features of Jewish tradition that make me thank my stars that I belong to it.  ---Albert Einstein

Judaism is not only a religion it is a total way of life. Ethnicity and culture are important parts of Judaism. Culture and ethnicity are both expressed through such mean as art, food, literature, music, entertainment, language, family, community, and the struggle for social justice. Ethnicity is defined as being part of a "group of people recognized as a class on the basis of certain distinctive characteristics, such as religion, language, ancestry, culture, or national origin. (The American Heritage Dictionary, 1983 p. 242) One of the defining characteristics of Jewish ethnicity is the Jewish religion. Judaism was the first well-known, worldwide monotheistic faith. The Jewish religion is recognized worldwide as a distinctive characteristic of the particular ethnic group known as Jewish. The language(s) of Judaism are also a particular aspect of Jewish ethnicity. Hebrew, the religious and vernacular, is the language of Judaism. There is also Yiddish that, while not as widespread among Jews, has also become identified with Judaism the same as Hebrew has over the centuries. The ancestry of the Jewish people goes back thousands of years to the patriarchs and matriarchs. In addition to this the birth of a child to a Jewish mother perpetuates the ancestry of the Jewish people since that child is Jewish. While Jews have been spread out throughout the world there has always been a connection to the land of Israel. This connection has only grown stronger in the last fifty years with the establishment of the State of Israel. Ethnicity is inextricably linked to culture.

Culture is defined as “the arts, beliefs, customs, institutions, and all other products of human work and thought created by a people or group at a particular time.”  (The American Heritage Dictionary, 1983 p. 169) The arts and entertainment arenas have been home to many Jews. There has not been much argument about what constitutes Jewish entertainment but what constitutes Jewish art has been less than universally accepted. One of the unique aspects of Jewish art is how the Law affects what can and cannot be used in art. For example, Jews are not allowed to represent G-d in any form of art. There are also other Laws, such as those regarding the use of the sun and moon in art, which affect what (religious) Jews are permitted to use in their art. This shows how Jewish ethnicity (religion) affects and interacts with Jewish culture. Judaism is no different from other cultures in that it has its own unique beliefs. These beliefs in Judaism range from the religious to the superstitious—from monotheism to the story of Lillith. There are customs that are unique to Judaism such as eating latkes on Chanukah and tri-cornered pastries on Purim. There are also customs that, while not unique to Judaism, are found throughout Judaism. One of these customs is the fight for civil rights and social justice. Judaism does have its unique institutions. Some of these are the synagogue, the Temple, yeshivas, and the Jewish Community Center.  

While there are plenty of similarities between Jews regarding their ethnicity and culture it must be kept in mind that there are also many varying degrees within Judaism. There are differences between Sephardim and Ashkenazim; between Israeli Jews and American Jews; between Orthodox, Conservative, Reconstructionist, and Reform movements; and, of course between each individual Jew.

© Rachel-Esther bat-Avraham 2003-2008

Return to Top